Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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