I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My vagina is officially offended.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
