I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
