Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
