im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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