Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
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I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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