No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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