Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
