I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
