Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
