Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
