So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
