shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
