Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
