note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
