mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
