just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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