I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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