I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
