dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
