i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
