Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I could make wine with my vomit
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
