2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
