so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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