My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
