you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
