I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
