thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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