My hair reeks of homosexuality.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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