You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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