If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Four minutes until I can fart!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
