You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
