i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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