Michael Bay diarrhea
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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