i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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