Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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