Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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