I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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