I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
