i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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