Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
