I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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