I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
