hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
