so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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