we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's shark week go big or go home
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
