The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
