Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
