Having a random hookup so left but love u
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
