Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
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I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
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I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.