Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.