I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
