Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
