Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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