You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
