i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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