just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
