Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I love having hate sex.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
