Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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