I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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