well I can't set my house on fire every night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
