I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
