Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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