Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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